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Tuesday, March 27th, 2001
2:12 am - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=NEWS=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This Journal was rarely updated.

I have a new journal. It is located on my website. If you don't want to go to my website, and just see the journal, click here.

Thanks for viewing this journal while you did. The new one will be updated much more often (usually daily) and is a lot easier for me to do what I want with it. I have full control.

Bye bye, LiveJournal.

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Tuesday, March 20th, 2001
4:00 am - awdang
I overslept. Dammit.

Now I'm gonna be late. I can't talk to Krista because she's "tired getting ready for school". And I think mad at me for being a jerk. Ahhh well. Rhett's "Schlepin'". Fucker is "...sleeping dizzily! :-*" Kristan is "sleep is good. and it's better when you need a rest from someone's shit. so i don't blame you for sleeping." Gene is "son of a bitch leave me alone i'm trying to sleep". Heheheheheh.

Gene is some funny shit. Seriously. I think today may go alright. Thanks, Gene. you made me laugh (from your away message).

Bye bye for now. I might update later today. Depends how busy I get. RAWR!

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Thursday, March 15th, 2001
1:07 am - :(
your body bleeding, your body burned, your body scarred...around the center of you heart..

a god of love
a god of care
a god of hope
a god of words
a god as lost as you and blind
to fill your hollow soul again

you seek a god to stand above you
wrapping healing arms around you
you'll find another god of pain
a god of suffering and tears
give yourself unto your god
sacrifice yourself again
burn your thoughts
erase your will
to gods of suffering and tears

tie hallowed bonds around your hands
kneel before this seat of shame
to gods as lost
gods as blind
gods of suffering and pain

a god of love
a god of care
a god of hope
a god of words
a god as lost as you and blind
to fill your hollow soul again

you seek a god to stand above you
wrapping healing arms around you
you'll find another god of pain
a god of suffering and tears
-VNV Nation - Saviour (vox)


:'(


Sie stehen eng umschlungen
Ein Fleischgemisch so reich an Tagen
Wo das Meer das Land ber�hrt
Will sie ihm die Wahrheit sagen

Doch ihre Worte frisst der Wind
Wo das Meer zu Ende ist
H�lt sie zitternd seine Hand
Und hat ihn auf die Stirn gek�sst

Sie tr�gt den Abend in der Brust
Und wei� dass sie verleben mu�
Sie legt den Kopf in seinen Scho�
Und bittet einen letzten Ku�

Und dann hat er sie gek�sst
Wo das Meer zu Ende ist
Ihre Lippen schwach und bla�
Und seine Augen werden na�
-Nebel



Ein kleiner Mensch stirbt - nur zum Schein
Wollte ganz alleine sein
Das kleine Herz stand still f�r Stunden
So hat man es f�r tot befunden
Es wird verscharrt in nassem Sand
Mit einer Spieluhr in der Hand

Der erste Schnee das Grab bedeckt
Hat ganz sanft das Kind geweckt
In einer kalten Winternacht
Ist das kleine Herz erwacht

Als der Frost ins Kind geflogen
Hat es die Spieluhr aufgezogen
Eine Melodie im Wind
Und aus der Erde singt das Kind

Hoppe hoppe Reiter
Und kein Engel steigt herab
Mein Herz schl�gt nicht mehr weiter
Nur der Regen weint am Grab
Hoppe hoppe Reiter
Eine Melodie im Wind
Mein Herz schl�gt nicht mehr weiter
Und aus der Erde singt das Kind

Der kalte Mond in voller Pracht
H�rt die Schreie in der Nacht
Und kein Engel steigt herab
Nur der Regen weint am Grab

Zwischen harten Eichendielen
Wird es mit der Spieluhr spielen
Eine Melodie im Wind
Und aus der Erde singt das Kind

Hoppe hoppe Reiter
Und kein Engel steigt herab
Mein Herz schl�gt nicht mehr weiter
Nur der Regen weint am Grab
Hoppe hoppe Reiter
Eine Melodie im Wind
Mein Herz schl�gt nicht mehr weiter
Und aus der Erde singt das Kind
-Spieluhr

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12:51 am - ...
wake up, wake up, wake up in flames

wake up, wake up, and scream

death approaches like a fucking hurricane, sweeps me into its eye, and i'm gone.

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Sunday, February 11th, 2001
4:00 am - YAY!
Gentle Slaughter version 3.0 has been launched! I'm proud of this one because I worked pretty hard on it. Go check it out and let me know what you think :)

I'm out for now. I'm in a good mood for now, but I'm still sick. I'm going to go get some rest now. Ambrosiana will be happy :P

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Tuesday, January 30th, 2001
4:01 pm - well, well
Well, isn't my day just going spectacular? No, it's not. Now ICQ is messed up. Bah. Time to view the hex, edit it if I can, and fix the thing. Bah. Probably about an hours-worth of work. Enh.

I'll just listen to A Perfect Circle while I do it *nods*

And I'm still sick. This fucking sucks.

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2:16 pm - i will always love...you
I'm sitting in my room, and I feel absolutely horrible. I went out, and halfway to my destination...maybe a bit before, I start to feel like absolute hell. I stop and run to the bathroom. Threw up about four times. Fun? I think not. I came home. Took my temperature. 100.2. It's normally around 97.6 or something like that. Fahrenheit, that is.

God, I wish I could feel better :(

"Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again."



I just wish "you" existed.

The gun is God
And the bullet is Christ
Put God up against my head
Push God's button
Send Christ straight to my head
Into my world
Destroying it all

(she tells me i'm a pretty bullet; an imitation christ)

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8:40 am - Dear diary, I'm here to stay...
(and i disappear into the mist, part of the mist, with the mist, and together we are one)




something i just made up...i do that a lot at the end of conversations, even if it's only significant to me. i guess i do it to leave a piece of me with the person...pretty soon, i'll just disappear. but then, i'll be with everyone else, so it won't really matter much anyway.




(and when they find you, they'll rip pull tear shread...all of it for you...all of you, all of you -- to pieces, in pieces)

(excerpt from a conversation i had with Brenda) you don't know her. well, probably not. i don't care either way. voices in the darkness...scream away my mental health...can i ask a question to help me save me from myself?

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Sunday, January 14th, 2001
1:29 am
Be my drug

Oh, God, I want you
(body)

Come inside me
Fill me up
Control me

Oh, God, I want you
(heart)

Be my drug

I'll give it all to you
My body
My heart
My soul
My existence

Make me...make me pulsate
Make me operate under your spell

Oh, God, I want you
(soul)

You're gorgeous
Your skin
Your mind
Your eyes

Come inside me
Fill me up
Control me

Oh, God, I want you
(love)

Become part of me
Become everything of me
Take me over
Be my drug

Oh, God, I want you
(obsession)

Be my drug.




Something I wrote. Don't take it. I've been depressed beyond fucking belief lately. And I can hardly sleep. Insomnia and severe, severe depression don't mix too well. They create one horrible human being. Life is slipping from my grip. Fast, fast, fast, faster, and faster still. I'll get through it. I know I will. "You and me, we can make it through somehow."

That last quote is accredited to Trent Reznor. I'll write more later, probably. Goodbye. I want to live a fantasy, a fantasy in your white, white world; and under your white, white wing; and within your white, white purity. But, for now, my love...now is reality...and it's time to face it...face it and kick its ass. I'm going to kick your ass, reality. Nobody's done it before, but I'll do it. I'll be the first to succeed; and they'll all hate me for it.

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Monday, December 25th, 2000
8:08 am
Mmmmk, mom just woke me up allll early and crap so I can exchange gifts. Bah. What the fuck. I don't need to wake up at the asscrack of dawn just to exchange gifts. Now she's gonna go pick up my grandparents from their [motel]. They chose to stay in a motel, we did not put them in one. Why they chose to do that is beyond me. I know they don't lack the finances to do otherwise. My brother should be coming over in about an hour or so. I'm thinking of whipping out some hardcore industrial cds so I can have them blasting when grandma and grandpa come over. But I respect and love them a great deal. Don't want to piss them off.

I talked to that ... Laura person (I *think* that's her name). She was ok for the bit that I talked to her. But then I started ignoring her because I got busy doing something else; I know that's rude, but I do it to everybody. And my AIM is set to NOT show when I'm idle :P

Don't tear it, don't tear it, please don't tear away from me, I need someone to hold on to.

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Sunday, December 24th, 2000
1:01 am
Ahhh, yes, happy yuletide, christmas, hannakuh, jesus' (fake) birthday, or whatever the fuck you may celebrate. I'm going to bed now. Check out Gentle Slaughter. It's my 'personal site'. Bah. I'll write more later today, probably. Maybe not.

I'm probably not gonna go to sleep. Just talk in IRC, which is basically like sleeping, cuz I'm not doing jack shit when I'm doing that. I suffer from sleep deprivation. Goddamn insomniacs :P

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12:57 am
Death to the flesh, baby. Death to the flesh.

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Saturday, December 23rd, 2000
11:05 pm
Today I sat around and researched transhumanism and posthumanism some more, as well as researching the Church of Euthanasia (CoE). To say the least, if you ask me, the CoE has some massively fucked up ideas, but that is definitely not to say that they do not have some good views. If you're looking for a 'left-hand' path, the Church of Satan (CoS) is the most honest religion in that regard. Personally, though, until my religion is brought forth to the public eye (five to ten years), I say to shit with all religions. Hell, they inspire me, yes, a great deal, but I do not agree completely with even one of the religions I have researched thus far. Satanism, Buddhism, Paganism (most Pagan religions -- there's too many to name), Christianity, and Transhumanism/Posthumanism have had the greatest amount of influence thus far.

transhumanist.org is the best source for info on that than any other on the internet. It's more of a philosophy and outlook on life in the present-day and future than anything else. If you're into mind-expansion, definitely check it out.

Overall, my day went fine. I hung out with my brother most of the day. He and I just drove around and...well, drove around. My brother, mother, sister-in-law, nephew, and I all watched 'Rules of Engagement'. That was a pretty good movie.

I'm feeling very angry and political and depressed right now. And, even though it was a Propagandhi quote, I believe you must have believed in that to have posted it. There is no great race who has gone without crime. White men have done a lot of good in history, and to say that they haven't is not just close-minded, but it's insane, and assanine. To blame white people for the downfall of other races is also stupid. Lincoln freed the slaves a long, long time ago. Now minorities have the same, if not more rights than the white people. If they fuck up, it's their fault. The government hands them opportunities on a fucking silver platter. If they don't reach out, eat it, and execute it, it's the white man's fault? Fuck that. Propagandhi can choke. To shake off the faults of oneself onto another, let alone another race is not only racist, but it leads to political corruption and suicide. I'm sorry, but if you believe that because blacks were enslaved that they can't do things and need governmental handouts, you are the racist one, not me.

Am I sorry you killed the Kennedy's and Huxley too?

-Gentle

(Have a nice fucking day)

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2:18 am
I just changed the 'view' of this journal page. I don't think anyone saw its last view, so, if you didn't...create a journal and you can see what it looks like when you first start off...then go ahead...and have Scott put your journal up on his page...and give both of you publicity :P

I'd like to see this thing get going on Scott's site. It's a good idea to have a 'community' of journals, I think. Anyway, I need sleep. My nephew and brother and sister-in-law will be here tomorrow. I lied in the last entry. They're staying at a hotel, not actually with us. Same difference, anyhow.

Perhaps I'll write more tomorrow. Goodnight for now, all. And, Scott, thanks again for the idea. I hope to get to know some of you others who will take advantage of this idea as well.

-Gentle

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1:41 am
Today was absolutely wonderful. It really was. I woke up late...around 12:00 PM. From then, I went to the airport to pick up my brother, nephew, and sister-in-law, as they're staying at my mother and I's place for the holidays. I was extremely happy to see my nephew again. He's something like eight months old, and extremely cute. I love that kid a lot already. I'm glad they're here...really glad. I love most of my family.

On top of that, I might buy a new car, which I'm pretty happy about. More details, if any, will unfold on that if and when it happens. We ate at a Mexican restaurant which was extremely good. Mexican food is great. Plus my sister-in-law is Mexican so she can make great authentic Mexican food :P

So then I came home and watched "Big Daddy" with my mother, which she thought was a good movie. I had seen it before, just wanted her to. Then I come online and Scott is like "You gotta check this out" "and take part in it" "go to my web page, and go to the diary section". So I did and here I am now. I hope to share my life with all of you, get a lot of bullshit off of my chest as I go, and have some people get to know me a lot better. I'm not a kid with no problems, I've got plenty, and you'll hear me go through the best and worst of me on here. I'm sure of that.

I'll swear, I'll rant, I'll call what you say bullshit, I'll be profane, I'll talk about sex and drugs. If you don't like it, you need to grow up, because all I mention will be real and honest. If reality hurts, tough.

-Gentle

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